Desperate to be RELEVANT

I remember when I was in class 6, our teacher of English gave us the following topic for writing an essay, “Our we happier than our forefathers”. Like most things back then, I never tried to understand what it meant, but did it anyways. The reason, why this thought suddenly popped into my head, will be explained later(and let me assure u, it will be worth the wait), but it suddenly dawned on me, that this is the earliest memory I have of the time, when I tried to defy the path normally taken, and actually took a risk of copying it from an essay book and praying that nobody else had the same book.

     It may seem like a very insignificant incident, but for a boy, who was as timid as they come, so shy that he couldn’t speak to a girl even if his life depended on it, who was the ideal picture of your bookworm, who actually took pride in the fact that he had never been scolded by any teacher (This fact remains true, till date ;-) ) and who couldn’t stand in the same room as a guest for more than 2 seconds ,without running out shit scared.

    The metamorphosis of this very boy, into the man I am today ,like most stories, involves a girl. The only catch here is (in true CHANDIGARH SPIRITS, all pun intended), it involves a different girl, at every stage of the metamorphosis. Right from the first girl I ever gave a call to (which was in class 9), to the first girl, I ever had a crush on (which was in class 10) BUT the most significant impact was made by that teacher of English (and not the English teacher, I am sure my principal would be proud that I still remember this) in class 6. And not surprisingly , she(the teacher) was a 25 yrs old female, who forced us to mingle with the opposite sex and gave punishments which involved sitting with a new girl everyday in class and spending all your time with them. This was phase one of the metamorphosis (even though it wasn’t intended and took a long time to show results)

       The next step, was when my first crush, shunned me away when I asked her for her phone no. ( I remember the embarrassment of standing at your farewell party of class 10, and feeling dejected). The only saving grace was the fact that just a few months ago, I was the main player in getting a certain maths prof. chucked out of school (and my parents had no clue about it), else it might as well have been my funeral.

     The 3rd main phase , was when I had a chance encounter with a certain Gaatha Sharma, in class 11. For almost two yrs, I was her knight in shining armour, her one stop solution to all problems and the shoulder she always cried on, albeit it was just over the phone. Her countless friends, who showed interest in me, suddenly showed me my TRUE purpose in life., overpowering all previous failures or for the lack of a better word, a non existent past. 

     After that, life was never the same. For the next 6 to 7 yrs, life was just a burning desire to live life in the fast lane. Each conquest, only made me bolder and brasher. Nothing was impossible. The fact that she was committed, was just a technicality. Committed girls was a drug and I was addicted to it. I was GOD, and the world, mere pawns.

    The final and yet the most significant metamorphosis came when I had to shift base to Bangalore, last June. In the race to seem “NORMAL” to the people around me in my new surroundings, I somehow lost myself. And just as fate would have it, GOD played his cruelest trick right then. He sent NOT ONE BUT TWO women, to do the impossible i.e. FUCK MY HEAD UP, and let’s say they did a mighty fine job. The story of which is a blog for another time.

     In Chandigarh I had a clear mind and knew what I wanted, no matters how confusing the women were and as a result nothing ever went wrong. The BIGGEST irony is, in trying to do the right thing here in Bangalore , I have achieved the greatest of ecstasies and also hit the lowest point of my life. BUT the thing that I have come to realize of late, is that my entire life has been a desperate attempt to seem relevant. All the relationships, flings , affairs have been an attempt to satisfy the ego of a shy boy, that it’s never too late for life to begin. And now in Bangalore, it was a desperate attempt to rectify the past, to right the wrongs, to make life seem relevant and to be more than just a shallow person that it was before.

    Finally, I have managed to decipher the divine truth of life. We all try desperately to seem relevant, it’s just that it differs for person to person. For me, it’s the FIRST GOLDEN TENANT that I had made for myself , which read “ EVERY RELATIONSHIP CANT BE CLEARLY CANT BE DEFINED CLEARLY. SOME ARE BEST ENJOYED IN THE CONFUSION WHICH SURROUNDS THEM”